Was listening to a song the other day – a song from one of my favorite movies 'Ferris Bueller's Day Off." The song was a Dream Academy version of The Smiths' "Please, Please, Please Let me Get What I Want."
Oh how that song made me smile.
"...Good times for a change
See the luck I've had
Can make a good man turn bad...
I'm actually not a man, and damn, life is pretty frickin' great. I certainly am happy in the majority of areas in my life. I have a wonderful career, I work for a bitchin' company, my children are happy, well-adjusted and healthy. I have a home and a car and beautiful friends and family that add joy to my heart. I think I've had quite a good run of luck lately and so cannot complain...
"...So please, please, please
Let me, let me, let me
Let me get what I want this time...
...Haven't had a dream in a long time
See the life I've had
Can make a good man bad..."
I've had lots of dreams, and some have even come true. My life has been rich with adventure, heartache, laughter, love, solitude and faith.
It's that whole begging "please, please, please, let me, let me, let me, get what I want this time" part that drives to the heart of me. If God gave me everything I ever wanted I'd probably be in big trouble. I know acceptance and disappointment build character and being grateful for what you have is a direct spiritual path to God. I've also gotten a few things I thought I just had to have and found the disappointment and pain far outweighed the anxiety of the wanting.
Have you ever wanted something so bad, so madly, that your entire mind – your body – aches for it? You want it, it's there...sooooo goddamned close and nope. Can't have. You can smell it, you can taste it. You can close your eyes and FEEL it right there with you. Your mouth waters, your body shakes and your pulse quickens, and you still know you can't have it. The more you can't have it, the more you want it. It's like you're starving and you're standing outside the window of a buffet knowing they won't let you in to get what you need. You know you should just walk away from the window....it would be so easy to turn, step and keep moving away. But you do not, and you stand rooted in your purgatory.
It's insanity, I tell you. It's maddening, frustrating, exhilarating and laughable, all at once.
I'm laughing right now.
Because I understand the principle of "Letting Go."
If you let something go...honestly let it go...then no matter what transpires in the future, you're good to go. Cuz you let it go. Ta-da! (BTW, spare me the "if you let something go..." poem. Read it a thousand times...)
So, if in the future that something turns left...you're good. If in the future that something turns right...you're still good. Cuz it's been "let go." Bye-bye. Doesn't affect you anymore. Likewise, if in the future, that something makes a u-turn and you're again face-to-face with your erstwhile desire, well, hey now! That desire must have been meant to be. That's the icing on the cake, cuz you let it go – either way, life proceeded happily up to that point because you moved on and weren't enslaved to a maddening desire.
Understanding "letting go" also makes it easy to recognize the consequences of not doing so. Discontentment big time. Mingled with self-deprecating laughter and head-shaking.
So, then, why is it sometimes I make a conscious decision to hold on to something? Why, why on Earth would I ever choose to say "I cannot have this thing, however I shall romance the notion of having it, regardless of the fuck-upedness it causes in my brain."
* Aside: Fuck-upedness is now officially a term. I have coined it, therefore it is so.*
When I look at the facts and I am not glorifying or romancing anything but can see facts boldly in front of me and STILL say, "I choose to not let go" I have to sit down and think about what in the hell is going on with me that this mule-headed craziness serves a purpose of some kind. Is focusing my energy on something I can't have keeping me from opening up to other opportunities? Is it safer to invest thought and emotion and energy into something that isn't real, than to risk something that IS real, but has a possibility of disappointing me?
Believe me...I WANT...oh, so want to be willing to just let it go. It is such a crazy struggle. Still laughing. Laughing at myself and my ridiculousness. The daily arguments I have with myself in my head are hilarious. Someday someday someday either I'll get what I want (and then what?? Will it be a good thing or a bad thing?) or I'll get so tired of this cast-iron grip that I'll finally just give up and let it slip through my grasp and blow a kiss as it flies away in the breeze. And I'll turn, take a step and keep on moving. I wonder, too, if there's a third possibility...a balance to be achieved. A full acceptance that the gnawing hunger may always be there, never quite completely satiated.
*sigh* It's a hell of a predicament. Sometimes the clear and simple choice is not so easy to make as it seems.