Friday, May 14, 2010

Gag Order

I am experiencing something I've never had to deal with before...having feelings and emotions and being unable to fully express them. To openly shout to the world "Goddamnit, I am in so much pain, my heart is about to explode, my head won't leave me alone and I can't even say why!"

I've never, ever been one to hide my feelings. I have often joked that I should have a long-sleeved t-shirt printed up with just one word on the left sleeve: EMOTIONS.

No one ever has to question what I am feeling. My emotions leap from my head and soul to animate my face, my movements, my body language. I am an open book and regardless of what I'm feeling you're gonna hear about it. If I'm extra excited that my bank account didn't dip below $10, you'll know in all gleeful glory. My heart breaks, the tears flow and there's no need to ask. Just give me a hug.

I talk about everything I go through. That, and write about it. I'm a free-spirit when it comes to what's going on in my head (and, yes, I understand that may not be such a noble thing in many folks' eyes. Do I look like I care? Nope. Not me. They're MY feelings afterall. Cmon. I'm a Leo.) Sometimes my telling or writing is done quite privately, but it's done nonetheless. Other issues I turn to close friends who have experienced whatever it is I'm going through. And, then, most any other time with less touchy, day-to-day crap, I have no problem updating all my other friends via Facebook that I'm a) in pain, b) happy as a lark, c) feel even-steven...whatever...and also WHY I'm feeling all those things.

I think it's because I need support from friends. Like, knowing that what I'm feeling matters to other people. Whatever. It's who I am.

But this shit I'm going through now. I can't talk about it. I can't even express on my Facebook page what I'm REALLY feeling. I'm trying to pull out of this and get back to my happy self, but my usual outlets aren't working. And can't work. Because I CAN'T TALK ABOUT IT. And it's driving me crazy. Because I want the world to know I damned well hurt. My heart is broken. I made a stupid decision, I was naive, I was selfish...I was all kinds of things – including used – and now I'm just hurting. And I am powerless in explaining why. It's like tying my hands and legs together and dangling a keyboard in front of my face.

"You know you want to write about it...


*dangle dangle*


"Oh...almost got it that time..."


*dangle dangle*


"Oh, heh heh...she's so funny and cute when she's frustrated...look at her TRY!!"

*dangle effing dangle*


Every time I go to tell the truth on Facebook about what I'm really feeling, I stare at it for moments on end and end up clearing the field. What's the point. What's it going to accomplish. Who gives a crap. Sometimes I actually get to the point where I post a "truthful" update...but I delete it and end up with an update like "Gah!!" or "GRRR!" or "AGHHHHH!".

Fuck.

There is so much I want to say. I want to yell at someone. I want to unleash on this someone. I want to say so many things. Ask so many questions. I want to cry and make it perfectly clear just what is going on in my head and my heart. And I cannot. It is a feeling of impotence I've never experienced in my life. And, while I can allude to what I'm going through here, I still can't give details. I can't even say WHAT I want to yell and hit and cry about. Yep...that someone is on Facebook. And I don't want that someone to know I'm going through this. I want it to be all smooth and even and uneventful and I'm good. Yep. No troubles here, cuz you didn't hurt me one little bit. Nope. It's ALL good. Moving on, as they say. Right?


Thank GOD that someone doesn't read this blog. And even then I can't let loose here either. Not this time. I just get to go through today, probably tomorrow too, feeling like I've been patted on the head and shunted to the farthest corner of the garage...an embarrassment to be ignored and probably hopefully forgotten. Yep. That's how I feel. And if you know Leo women, that is NOT a good thing. It's not a good thing for any woman to feel. It's not a good thing for anyone to feel, actually.

2 comments:

  1. To be dismissed and/or discounted is a real blow to our egos. There are those who say that "ego deflation" is good for us and makes us more humble. Screw that. There have been times in my life that I invested so much of my SELF that the ego that remained was just barely enough to let me survive. Finding the balance between pride and humility seems impossible - the closest I've ever heard is in the concept "to be a worker amoung workers", an equal. THAT I will accept. I've taken an inventory of my attributes and when someone makes a judgement of me and dismisses me or discounts me I have the opportunity to compare it to my self-inventory and either dismiss, discount, or make note of their judgement of me, either in whole or in part. I'm so grateful for my trusted friend that I stay in touch with on a regular basis. Every time I think, "EWW, I can't tell her that" and then tell her anyway, I find I grow and she does too in my eyes. One of the hardest things for me to learn was picking my battles and my battlefields - I'm not a doormat, but I don't have to wade into every battle thinking that I will win the war that way.

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