Friday, August 27, 2010

Road of Life

About 11 years ago I hiked Bright Angel Trail at the Grand Canyon….made it all the way down to Indian Gardens, about 4.6 miles from the rim. The trail is all switchbacks and there are only two stations for water along the way, then there's a creek at Indian Gardens you can rest your tired feet in. The hike back up was – hahaaa! – arduous, and got to a point where I'd walk a couple switchbacks and have to rest for 5 minutes, eat, drink and psyche myself up for the next round of pain. But I made it back up. I was pushed not only by the desire to prove to myself I would walk off that trail of my own volition, but that it would cost me a thousand bucks to have someone 'copter me out.  No way was I going to give up. The surge of relief, pride and adrenaline overshadowed the exhaustion and pain coursing through my body (I will not waste my time talking about the inhuman beings that hiked the trail full speed TWICE just on my way down…freaking aliens visiting from Roswell is what THEY were).  I developed some pretty strong leg muscles that day.

Much like that hike so many years ago, I currently feel too tired to keep walking. I have had to stay in a lot of action the last couple years and everything seems to be taking forever to resolve (again…loan modification in second application, filing bankruptcy pending approval of loan modification).  Over the course of the last few months I've felt like my legs have been chained to cinder-blocks making every step I take heavy and difficult. But I have kept moving forward. Slowly and sometimes fearfully I have continued to place one foot in front of the other and taken care of business to the best of my ability.

Through most of that I experienced a "relationship" with someone. There was and still is a chasm between us that made it impossible to develop a real relationship, but the emotions I felt didn't pay any attention to that unbridgeable space. Feelings rebelliously touched down like an F5 hurricane. Against all my intellectual attempts to stay the fall I faceplanted it hard.  I have not felt that way about anyone before…I craved him physically, emotionally and intellectually even though every day my head told me I was crazy, it wasn't good for me, blah, blah, blah. Every time we talked was bliss, the silence in between was agony, but there were always the hopes and daydreams to sustain my romantic heart. We attempted to "just be friends" but that was impossible for me and so we severed all ties.

I was not prepared for the flood of emotion that has overwhelmed me since then. It's hard enough to walk away from someone you deeply care about. It's much harder to be faced with the cold realization that once that facade was removed I was STILL facing all this other life turmoil, with no daydreams to fall back on, no fantasies to smooth the serrated edge of divorce, single-motherhood, financial fiasco and possible loss of home.  I feel like a small part of my soul has been removed, or cut open…exposed and raw and I don't know where I'm going to draw any more strength from. I have not sobbed so deeply or often since my ex-husband and I split up two and a half years ago. I have been faced with the sobering thought that I was using my hopes for that psuedo-relationship as a pillow…to muffle the blows of all this other chaos served up in my life.

So suddenly I have become very tired. Emotionally and physically. Just too exhausted to keep moving forward. I believe in God, the power of prayer and I have a support group of friends that amazes me every day. But some days no matter how not-alone I am, it hits me that I really am going through all this stuff by myself. For the first time in my life I'm dealing with problems like a grown up, not a victimized child. There's no one to "save me," no one to share this burden. No one in my bed at night into whose arms I can fall, who will kiss the top of my head and whisper "everything's gonna be alright." Somehow, some way, I need to draw up that "arms/kiss/whisper" experience alone, between me and God. But let me tell, ya. That doesn't cut it day in and day out. Sorry. I know there's lots of spiritual folk out there who are perfectly fine with themselves and God and no one else. But this girl? There are just days I need a physical manifestation of someone loving me, feeling the weight and comfort of someone holding me. Sometimes it's an ache, sometimes it's not.

Occasionally, like the last few days, I have a severe case of the fuck-its. Other days it's just enough to know all I need to do is to get through the day ahead. But I have a sustaining hope, and that is knowing, like every uphill path, there's a point where it all levels out, and there may even be some easy moseying in the days ahead, maybe some downhill sauntering. It's just another leg on the journey. And I am never alone. I realize that. I have God, I have family, I have friends. Sometimes they carry me, sometimes they lead me, sometimes they push me…but they never stay far from me, nor I from them. Albert Schweitzer said "Impart as much as you can of your spiritual being to those who are on the road with you, and accept as something precious what comes back to you from them." I try to do that every single day. He also said "If you truly love something let it go, if it is meant to be yours it will return, if not it was never meant to be." Fucking Schweitzer.


Anyway, for the most part I'm pretty proud of how I've been able to slog through this very uphill, rocky, sometimes muddy part of the trail I call my life. Up until now I've expected myself to keep moving forward, like a machine, keep walking, keep stepping, keep moving…no matter what, don't stop. Because if I stop I might not start back up again. But last night I realized, just like on that Bright Angel Trail hike…sometimes you just can't physically keep moving on. You HAVE to sit down, rest and draw strength to stand back up and take that next footstep. I'm developing some pretty strong spiritual, mental and emotional muscles these days.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Glass? What Glass?

Ohmigosh. Has it been over a month since I've posted a blog?? Yep. That's because so much has been happening and very little inspired thinking going on. Or, maybe it's more of the same ol' same ol' so I don't want to beat a dead horse. Aaand dance on it's grave. That's just not right. But, you know, I can't help it, sooooo…loan mod, bankruptcy, love, accidents.

In fact, if I were my old, pessimistic self, I'd take a good hard look at these last 8 months and accuse myself of being born under a bad sign. Great song, btw. (Of course, we all know Leos are the Royalty of the zodiac, so that's not really true…but even so, icky stuff happens to us royal pains in the ass).

Let's look at this with a couple different kinda glasses, shall we?

GLASS IS HALF EMPTY
Right around January/February I fell oh-so-freakin' hard for a guy – honestly…I've NEVER felt that way about anyone before. I so, so, SO much wanted to take time to get to know him…learn about him slowly. Savor him. Learn his likes, dislikes, fears, joys, moods…discover what I do that makes him happy, what I do that makes him pissy…wanted to be his first thought in the morning, last at night and the whole lot in between. Wanted nothing more than to look into his gorgeous eyes, melt at his heart-breakingly breath-taking smile...walk hand in hand in the park, sit by the ocean watching the stars, read books on the couch, talk over coffee, spend entire weekends in bed together. *sigh* Too bad he doesn't feel the same. OUCH. Yuuuuup. Yup. This girl got shot by Cupid BUH-AD. Little bastard. Next time I see him, I'm gonna bitchslap the little diaper-wearin' freak-of-nature. Cupid that is. In case you were wondering which "him" I was talking about.

In April someone jacked my checking account info and stole $700...charging up a storm at walmart.com. That's how I KNEW more than anything that I hadn't spent the money all in one night in a retail therapy blackout. At that same time I was all set to fly out on my first international trip EVER for my life-long dream-trip to Ireland and KABLOOIE…Iceland exploded. Silly Iceland. Trip postponed! That is, until….

…..May arrived and I had to use all my trip money to replace my transmission in my car.

I can't remember if that was before or after  I broke my toe walking into a rock, which made my…

…Camp Pendleton Mud Run in June OUT…couldn't run on my newly healed piggy. Hey. I ain't no Jerry Rice. There will be no cutting off digits to finish the second half for THIS wussy girl.

With all this crap on my mind, no wonder I rear-ended a lady in the intersection end of June….we were both at a red light, completely stopped. Green light, she goes, I go. She stops. I don't stop. Rats. Now the dumb broad is claiming "bodily injury" for a fender-bender that caused NO damage (I have pictures!!). Hmmmph.

July hit and that was my best friend's birthday. But not anymore because SHE'S DEAD. That's a total bummer.

So here we are in August…my bankruptcy was on hold till my loan modification is finalized, except now the loan mod is declined because the stupid Orange County Recorder's Office TWICE rejected the paperwork…the LAST WEE BIT of paperwork the financial peeps needed… and BAM. I missed the deadline. Speaking of missing…

…the dude on the 215 last Saturday FAILED to miss me when he changed lanes without looking and hit me. I USED to have a car that only looked somewhat crappy. Now I'm one of those poor schlubs with duct tape holding parts of it together.

BUT NO!!!!!! I'm NOT gonna focus on all the negative stuff. Gonna focus on the positive stuff.

GLASS IS HALF FULL
After my divorce I thought I'd never fall in love again. I'd been hurt so much for so long, that I just figured I'd never be able to let loose with those emotions ever again. Yet I found myself falling for someone; it happened and there was nothing I could do to stop it, no matter how hard I tried. You know "Standing Outside the Fire" by Garth Brooks? I found out that's me. I can still love. Haven't put a steel wall up around my heart. So if I walk away with nothing more than that…that I am still willing to risk pain for the chance at truly loving someone with all my heart and having them love me the same way…then it was worth it.

The stolen money and equal amount of transaction/overdrawn fees (coming to a whopping $1100 total) was quickly returned by my bank. I LOVE my bank. They're good people. And a week after my trip was cancelled, my boss told me I was going to Quebec, Canada on business. I've since been there twice with a third trip in September. See…I didn't get my passport for nothin'! What a beautiful place Quebec City is. I want to go back someday, for pleasure.

Hey…if I had gone to Ireland and spent all my money, I'd have no car right now. (And who knows whose car would've been hit by 215 Schmuck if I didn't have my little green-weanie car?) The fact that I shelled out $1300 for a transmission which was same amount of money I paid for my trip…well, that's not a coincidence in my book.

Toe healed. What else can I say? I don't have to wear the grey orthopedic boot anymore! Just because I missed my first CP Mud Run THIS year, doesn't mean I'll have to miss it NEXT year.

As for miss bodily injury girl…like I said, I got PICTURES of her "no damage" rear-end (no, not her butt…her car). And my insurance company will happily decline her claim if they can. More to come on that.

And my friend Kerrie? Well, I've learned to be philosophical about her death and have healed tremendously. I have lots of gratitude for my life. For more on this read my previous blog Happy Birthday Kerrie Ann. Besides, MY birthday was also in July and I had a great pool party with lots of wonderful friends. Who could ask for more?

Good news on the loan mod…I now have ALL the paperwork they need and they said I can reapply!. Hopefully it'll go through and we can get the bankruptcy on the road.

The schmuck that hit me was at least a nice, honest schmuck. He claimed full responsibility for hitting me and as I type my car is in the bodyshop and I'm driving a rental. Considering my stereo got stolen out of my car 4 years ago and I never replaced it, I am SO THRILLED to have a car with a radio and cd player! YAHOO!! And, they're painting two panels of my car....so,  it'll look nice from the front left at least.

WHERE THE HELL IS THE GLASS?
So you see? It's all how you look at things.  I'll admit some days it seems like someone took my frickin' glass altogether. *looks around...oh...there it is. In the dishwasher...* But. When I really consider all the wonderful things in my life…like my daughters, my family, my friends, my job…the fact I STILL have a condo and a car TODAY…life is nice. Chaotic. Dramatic. Funny. Interesting. NICE. Life with me will NEVER be boring, that's for sure.