Single mom, newly divorced, trying to stay in her condo, tired of fighting the banks, appealing to their humanity or being enslaved to the home she and her two daughters live in – the home where both little girls were born and raised – straps on massive artillery over her head to toe black industrial leather (and quite sexy) clothing, hops on her Hyabusa and screams at indecent speeds down the freeway to the headquarters of Bank of America in the middle of the night and, with weaponry that would make the boys of Blackhawk Down hopeful, takes out the largest crook in America, single-handedly freeing up hundreds of thousands of Americans grifted out of hard-earned money just to stay in a place they call home. She rides home, makes a midnight grilled cheese sandwich, dismisses the babysitter, checks on and kisses both little girls and then settles down for the best sleep of her life. The end.
With the exception of everything that comes after the "...straps on massive artillery..." that's the plot of my life at this time. Instead of digging my heels in and spending exorbitant amounts of energy and time that I don't have to gather paperwork, make calls, investigate and fight Bank of America, I'm just gonna walk away from my condo. I'm short-selling. Attempting to move to an apartment about five minutes from where I work. Call me a quitter. I've quit lots of things in my life. I have no shame in quitting when the fight becomes irrelevant. I don't know what's sadder...people who fight themselves into the grave or people who consistently give up when the going gets too rough. Both are sad.
I think I'm somewhere in the middle. I give it a good shot...when something seems impossible and I say "I can't" something clicks in me where I immediately turn into "Oh, but I can, someway, somehow make this work."
Have you ever played Angry Birds? There are some levels that are A BITCH to get through. Even youtubing tutorials can't help and all that you can do to get through the level is keep flicking stupid (but cute) little, angry birds til the walls come tumbling down. But what I realized in some of my quite obsessive almost hypnotic playing, replaying AND replaying of some levels is that every one of them has a way to be beaten. The developer didn't create a level that's impossible to get through. You just have to think about the weak points, aim, shoot and keep trying til you get every single stupid, green oinking pig dead as a package of bacon in your grocer's meat section, crushed beneath virtual wood, stone and metal detritus.
If you have never played Angry Birds, disregard that last paragraph and understand this: There IS a way to get through anything in life. There's a way to "beat" any situation. It just depends on how much you are willing to sit down and assess what's in front of you. Then, from there it depends on just how much you're willing to focus on and devote yourself to winning the game. So to speak.
If you're ready and able to stay in a fight for the long-haul, then great. But there comes a time, *laughs – even in video games!* when you get sick and tired of trying the same thing over and over then switching up strategies and nope that doesn't work let's go back to plan G... There comes a time when you have to sit down and say is all this REALLY worth it?
Maybe some time has passed. Maybe your priorities are different than they were a week, a year, 5 years ago. Maybe your health is declining (my last two doctor visits I had high blood-pressure readings...I've NEVER had high bp in my entire life. EVER). Maybe you're getting depressed, trying to stay positive most days and some days you're just sad. Maybe your fight seems more robotic than passionate. Maybe...just maybe quitting isn't really about giving up. Even if you know if you had a little more time, a little more effort you could win. Maybe it's just about realizing life is not really about stress and good fronts and status and what we have. It's about happiness. Peace. Serenity. LIVING.
Life is about living. If I'm a slave to anyone or anything I'm not living my life. I'm just existing. I've "only existed" at various points in my lifetime and I much prefer the breathing, laughing, freeing aspect of LIVING today. If that doesn't make sense to you, that's ok. It makes sense to me.
So I am going through the roller-coaster emotions of philosophical contentment to fear of leaving my comfort zone (regardless of how uncomfortable it is)...leaving the town I grew up in, and moving away from family and friends (not far...about 30 minutes) to start a new life in a familiar area. Like I've written before, life is meant to be an adventure. Today I choose not to look at the negatives of downsizing and renting and all that crap. Today I look at the positive: a fresh start, a new life, new chances, new faces, new adventures.
Plus, out here I am told that at night the only thing you hear are coyotes. And an occasional car. I tell you, that does this country-girl-at-heart some mighty good. I'm tired of squealing tires, sirens and the constant drone of the rubber river that runs in front of my condo.
Now...if they could just put a BofA building in the next version of Angry Birds...oh that would be SWEET.