Well, my first blog from my iPad. This is gonna be short and sweet. And full of typos til I get to a "real" keyboarded computer.
I am sitting in a Starbucks across from my high school. I have had good fortune to gain new perspective on some folks I went to school with, having spent the recent Independence Day holiday with old school friends. Some of it was good perspective....like learning that one of the popular girls I secretly envied and openly avoided and still kind of had an inferiority complex towards had her own bouts of being teased which has stayed with her all these years. It is amazing how we feel so alone and unique in our fears and tribulations growing up only to find out we were all walking around feeling the same way. Kids are stupid. It's not their fault. They have to become un-stupid by learning from life's experiences. Ideally, if we could have walked around knowing each other's real thoughts and fears we might have understood more about ourselves and each other sooner, probably less painfully. But there's that paradox of life....the really bad, scary, lonely stuff that we go through growing up (as well as the wonderful, happy, joyful stuff) can't be learned painlessly via books or webinars. We have to go through what we go through and then hope we're not too scarred by the bad stuff, eventually coming to grips with the past to move forward in our life. So...there.
There was talk of other friends, some of which I don't know if I wanted to know, but it gave me insight I needed in order to sort my own thoughts out. Don't get me wrong. This wasn't gossip, just catching up on old times, but hearing and viewing those years with fresh eyes and ears....and the wisdom of 25 years separated from those times gave me much needed new perspective.
I basically had my "AHA! moment" from a few years ago reiterated to me: had I not been so involved in my own angst as a child and simply allowed people to get to know me, I would have had more friends. Truth is, I didn't allow people to get close to me and instead of hiding behind partying or substance abuse early on, I simply retreated to the safety of my aloneness in my home...in my room...in my books and my movies and my daydreams. It was only after high school that I blossomed and came alive and broke out of my fearful shell of self-loathing and let myself be known to other humans walking this planet. But I wouldn't change a moment of good or bad from any point in my life because who and where I am today is a good thing.
Let's just say I know now that my perspective on a LOT of things as a child was messed up, as is my adult recollection of those years, so it's nice to have someone ELSE tell me how things were so I can see differently today.
I am also going through processing the recent break-up of my relationship of 7 months. I knew from the start that it wasn't a "forever" deal and kind of just went one day at a time with him, but I felt more and more like I was needing more than he could give emotionally and the end came sooner than I expected. It's totally ok...I guess not putting future daydreams and expectations on a relationship was a first for me, and I understand that I am mourning the loss of the relationship instead of the actual man. And though we said we would remain friends, he "changed his mind" a few weeks later. So, I ended a romantic relationship and then had that scrape reopened when I lost him as a very good friend.
Of course this all brings afresh my feelings for Mr. Heartbreak from last year. To be honest, I never stopped having feelings for him, though I tried hard to get him off my mind and for awhile when my relationship was new and exciting - and on the heels of such heartache - I did forget about him for awhile. Unfortunately, that respite did not last anywhere near long enough. Soon the new relationship fell into a rut that felt like we had been married for ten years, the honeymoon had barely begun before routine and neglect set in. We never fought, we just got bored. Now that I am single again it's difficult to not return to the longing I felt for him on a regular basis for almost two years. Truth is, as I have written before, I have such a deep connection to this person that I have never had with anyone else, and quite frankly no one who I have met and dated since meeting him has compared in the least to his effect on me. Honestly. I guess I am hopeless where this guy is concerned. Maybe someday someone else will come along to erase him from my mind, body and heart, but no one has been able to yet.
To make matters worse...I read an article on Amy Grant and Vince Gill in an issue of AARP at the doctor's office last week and the way she felt about him completely resonated with me and my feelings for this guy. I wish i could hate him, wish I could disdain him....wish I knew if he thought of me still, what he truly felt about me....lots of wishes. It only makes me a little crazy. Well, like I said, hoping that someday I will not ever give him a second thought...but today it seems like that will never be possible. As my friend and I were just discussing today over breakfast....it sure would be nice to have those feelings for someone, and even better have them feel those feelings for ME! We both decided (my girlfriend and I) that all we want is to just fall in love, for real...and be happy for a long time. And I have friends who have been married 10, 15, 20 years who are so obviously meant for each other, they still are IN LOVE with each other and somehow they were fortunate enough to find a partner with whom they could weather the storms of marriage and remain afloat, together, to sail into the sunset. Why others of us have had to crash upon the reef quite a few times and flounder around choking on seaweed is beyond me. But, I guess that's just the way it goes. When the time comes for "HIM" to come along and stay for good, then I will know that the heartache and trouble to get there will make the relationship that much more valuable.
In the meantime, I'll wash that seaweed down with ketchup I guess.