Friday, July 15, 2011

Fading to Black

I think I have made it perfectly clear that I am a romantic of the hopeless variety. If you scan through my past blogs it's pretty apparent that - maybe sadly - my view on love and romance was shaped heavily by the old Hollywood flicks I grew up watching.

I still think in terms of movie scenes. When I hear a song I can disappear into my own private theater of my mind and lose time crafting the perfect chase scene, date scene, martial arts fight, kiss name it. I have mastered the art of escapism through imagination. In my world that's ok. I have not detached from reality to the point where I don't live my life, in fact it's the opposite. Today I rarely have time to delve into the beauty of my imagination. I just have too much going on. Kids, work, friends, dating (thought I'd throw that in there as a "law of attraction" dealio... It can't hurt). But man, when I was a kid I could leave planet Earth for hours on end and enter the realm of planet Kristen, heavily colonized by nearby planet Hollywood... And I came up with epic adventures, romances, dramas and comedy, with me as the star in each production. It was fun, it was safe...but in the end it wasn't real and imagine my disappointment when real men on real dates and in real relationships didn't live up to the Cary Grants and Gene Kelly's of my dreams.

It has taken a lot of heartache for me to wake up and finally see love and romance through unfiltered eyes. Don't get me wrong. I still believe there are people who are meant to be together, I still believe there are guys out there who want to romance a girl...and I believe there are men who who after years in a relationship with the same woman still are in love and still appreciate what they have. That sweet naïveté of ever-after love is something I hold dearly. It might be childlike, it might be silly, but it's something to believe in and hope for.

The trick for me is to change my belief system that I am not worthy of love. I spent so long in self loathing that I could never believe anyone could ever love me. When it comes down to it I still have that little girl fear of no one could possibly love ME...if they knew the truth about me. All my foibles, defects, crazy thoughts...blah blah blah. It's self destruction and perpetuation of loneliness at it's finest. As if I am the only imperfect human on this planet. Ha! The very thought is the epitome of ego!

Love and romance...I have a friend who says she's never known anyone's life to be so "fade to black" as mine. It certainly isn't a boring life. I certainly don't demurely let events whisk by me and meekly sip my tea whispering about the weather. My life is as colorful as my language. It is up down and all around. If it stops spinning I am sure I shall be quite bored and as a Leo that is quite unacceptable. Us Leos need the ball of yarn always within batting reach.

But back to planet Kristen...imagine this if you will.... A cool moonlit evening, on a balcony overlooking the ocean...hundreds of white faerie lights (Christmas lights will do) twinkle above and around a small, intimate table set for two...he takes her hand and, as The Temptation's "Night and Day" plays, leads her into his arms, embraces her and slowly dances with her.

And because I am embarrassing myself, I won't go into details about passionate, sensual kisses and declarations of love....just know that I am slowly fading from blush to black...


  1. You are worthy of love Kris... never let go of that belief.


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