Friday, December 23, 2011

Bah! Bah!! Who Let the Sheep Out???

It was that farty old bastard Scrooge! He did it! It's all his fault!

*points finger jabbingly*

Scrooge let the sheep out. He's also responsible for looping Barking Dog's "Jingle Bells" on the PA system.

*still pointing. Pointing pointing pointing...*

Point....

*SIGH*

Ok. Ok. ALRIGHT!!!! It was me. I'm the one who looped the barking dogs and Richard Cheese's "Christmas in Las Vegas"...and I put the Santa Slamming Into a Tree decoration on the neighbor's door...

...and tied the bag of "reindeer" poop to the back windshield wiper of that guy's SUV...

...and kicked over the lit up snowman and stuck his corn-cob pipe up his...

I guess now would be a good time to cop to hanging poison oak in the hallway all ribboned and berried up as mistletoe... I mean, no one ever actually TOUCHES it....they just KISS under it...blech....

Gah!!

I mean BAH!!!

I have an in-dash 6-CD player in my car. Five of those CDs are Christmas music. I went on a classic movie run and bought six new movies! I inundated myself with the likes of "Jack Frost" and "A Christmas Carol" and the really crappy 60s stop-animation flicks and "A Charlie Brown Christmas" and "It's a Wonderful Life" trying to brainwash myself into feeling Christmasy. All I got out of that was "Linus is a little effing know-it-all and Clarence needs to mind his own damned business!" (ok. Not TOTALLY true...)

I got all my shopping done (fairly) early and stayed in budget. I baked cupcakes with my kids. But I still can't get into the spirit of the season. I was so uninspired (and admittedly not wanting to go into my garage and dig out my 6-foot tree and decorations) that I went and got a cheapy little fake-o tree and bought cheapy little plastic ornaments and slammed those up in a minute just so my kids could have a decorated corner. But inside my head it was all about the "fuck garland and candy canes".


I know for a fact I am not the only one feeling this way. Could it be that once again in sunny Southern California it's hard to get into the spirit of Christmas when you are wearing board shorts and flip flops? If I had wanted to get a suntan on Christmas Day I'd have been born in bleeding Australia wouldn't I??

Or could it be the fact that two months ago I was trying to buy Halloween candy and had to dig under the candy canes to get to it and last week when I tried to find a (lightweight) jacket for my kid I almost missed the clearance rack of coats because the new bathing suits were up front and personal at my local superstore.

Next year I am dressing up as a North Pole Elf for Halloween. An elf mercenary with lots of weapons. An elf with attitude. Or...even BETTER: A DEAD elf. Yeaahhhh. A Zombelf.

I am all out of whack, and I think part of it is our "get it new before it's even made" mentality of rolling out stuff we don't need yet and shoveling out the stuff we DO need because it was out of date two hours ago. It's all about the hurry, hurry, hurry.

Being sick doesn't help either. Which I have been since Thanksgiving. I don't blame Scrooge for that, I completely blame my kids. After all it IS "germ bags back to school" season as well.

Speaking of sick...

...Bikinis. In December.

GAWD!!! I haven't even worked off my Candy Corn yet!!!

And this happens every year.

It's not like Halloween and Thanksgiving and Christmas sneak up on me. I do realize I get a 364 day head's up on all these holidays. Every year I think "I'm really gonna get into the season this year....do something really special with the kids...start new traditions...bake...shop early...see snow...Slow down and reaaaaaallllllly appreciate every day of the season, starting with that first football kick-off and kinda-sorta-but-not-really-ending with a New Year's kiss with that special Him." (Yessss.....I am still harping on that soulmate crap...so sue me!! Nyah!)

And every year...Christmas comes and goes and I wonder what the hell detour did it all take and I feel kinda like a living, breathing, human Radiator Springs. Then I spend the next nine months eagerly waiting for the insanity to start all over again.

All I want for Christmas is my commitment papers...

Looks like I need to find someone worse off than me to help...because isn't the real meaning of this season about love and service and forgiveness? And gratitude for what we have?

Bah!!! I hate it when I repent!!!!