Friday, January 6, 2012

Physically and Emotionally Bent

Well...the stresses of life have taken their toll on me. I have made no attempt to hide the fact that I have dealt with depression off and on in my life. I have seen various counselors at various times to cope with life's heavier burdens and it seems now is one of those times.

I seem to be losing my regular ability to cope with everything going on. My home is still in short sale, i still don't know when the bank will lower the boom on me but when they do I have to spring into action to find a place to live. Til then I just go on with living where I live in a kind of surreal limbo...not packed because I don't know how long I would have to live out of boxes... Not worried outwardly because what's the point? But its taking a toll on me, undoubtedly. That is becoming clearer and clearer to me.

Things at work are beyond stressful. I am on the radar and can only do my best by keeping my head down and working and trying not to make mistakes.

Plus I have had a spate of bad luck with physical issues so my normal routine (and stress reliever) of being active both outdoors and in the gym is hampered. I can't tell you exactly how or when but after my back surgery I became...more aware of my mortality. And more cautious in my existence each day. That's not a good frame of mind for loving life and spontaneity. I feel older than I really am for the first time in my life.

And, my ex, who historically blames me for all his problems, is harassing me to lower his child support payments. He pays very little as it is and I had it done through the court because he has always been a whiner about paying me money. Thing is he views it as "my money" and not his kids money. I pay for their health insurance, all their medical care, their school uniforms, their food, and eventually their after school care. If he wants to pursue it let him. I will let him stand in line at the courthouse, like I did for our divorce, let him fill out the paperwork and pay for the filing, like I did for our divorce, and sit in negotiations with all my paperwork and will abide by the court's decision. What he doesn't realize is that he may end up owing more money than he pays.

But I can only pray to God for strength and faith and courage and hope that counseling will give me an additional coping mechanism to deal with everything. Because I am constantly sick to my stomach and often on the verge of tears and I just feel so overwhelmed right now.

The good news is that I may be bent but I am not broken. Thanks to my friends, family and faith.

2 comments:

  1. You are a very good person and have showed me support through the worst year of my life. I'm paying you back now by giving you the support of a good friend. You have the inner strength to get you through these wee blips. And you have the self belief. Like you've said, you may be bent but you're not broken and you are made of strong material not to break.

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  2. You're a good man and friend my dear. It heartens me to know that there is support allllll the way over there in my beloved Scotland! :) And YOU will always have support from Southern California way :)

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