Saturday, February 23, 2013

Gratitude

I have written often about the gratitude I live in every day, but only recently has the gratitude been truly from within, for no reason whatsoever other than I am grateful for the way things are in my life, right now.

Before, when I either wrote about gratitude, or talked about it, there was a hint of fear lingering in the background. Fear that whatever it was I was grateful for would be removed from my life  - so good God I'd best express thanks to keep it. There is a difference in saying I'm grateful and feeling I'm grateful. Don't get me wrong...I'm a big believer in fake it til ya make it. I said I was grateful for things even when in the midst of fear and turmoil. But doing so made the process of learning real gratitude possible.

There has been so much for me to let go of in the last few years. As a result of "losing" my condo, I am so very grateful for my present living situation.

My marriage dissolved, but my ex and I have a better relationship today than we ever did while dating, or living together or being married. And when I hear about other women going through the hell their exes rain down upon them because of ego and pride and resentment, I look up and whisper "Thank You GOD" for graciously forging a good relationship between me and my daughters' dad. It certainly doesn't hurt that the biggest lesson I have learned is how to not engage and to simply keep my piehole SHUT.

I have a new(ish) car that I make the effort to take good care of because I am so amazed that I was able to even finance a nice vehicle after my divorce and bankruptcy. The fact that I have been at the same job for the same company for 8 years and make a nice salary is also a gift in more ways than I can express.

My kids, in spite of divorce, are healthy and well-adjusted and doing well in school. I was so desperately fearful that they would lash out or internalize or...I don't know...I just remembered my parent's year-long split and how it affected me and I was terrified my kids would react the same way. I went from being a happy, outgoing little girl to being withdrawn and scared and lonely, even after they reunited. So today, while our family's split has been painful for all of us, I think because their dad and I make a real effort to work together, the girls have been able to cope well with the breakup far better than I could ever have hoped for.

I tend to be a little less arrogant. HAHAHAHAAA....yeah, yeah. Ok...vain, yes, arrogant though? Maybe not so much anymore. I see things about myself today that I never had the courage or honesty to see. I am always being taught a new perspective, and having a-ha moments where I realize, "Oh my, I was terribly wrong back then..." where up until recently it was "his fault" or "her fault" or anyone's fault anywhere, anytime.

On the flipside of that, I don't beat myself up like I used to either. It's odd and amazing to achieve a sense of balance, finally, in my life. Spiritually, emotionally, physically...I feel like all the hell-fire I walked through in the last, well, 10 years actually... I feel like because I didn't give up and give in, surviving that soul-breaking pain allowed me to grow beyond my wildest dreams.

Physically I am rebounding better since losing weight over the last 6 months, something I struggled with for over two years. So I am exceptionally grateful for my physical health of late. And damn, I think I look pretty good (oops, there's that Leonine vanity showing again...)

And again, on the flipside, I still have my insecurities (quite a lot!!) and dork-moments (even more-so) where I just have to choose: Do I cry or do I laugh? Nine times out of 10 I choose to laugh at myself.  I still can give in to my anger and act like an absolute moron, often embarrassingly so. Ugh. I hate that. But for the most part, even when I slip into old behavior and thinking, I am quicker to see it for what it is and adjust my settings to move forward.

So, I tend to say, "Thank you God," many, many times throughout the day. And saying thank you often helps bring about a happiness inside that I have not felt in many, many years.

Thank you Big Guy. For everything.


Saturday, February 2, 2013

13 May Be My Lucky Number

A quickie update on the goings' on in my household. I actually did a video blog to post, but not sure it's up to par so I will return to my favorite form of journaling: this blog.

If you have shown up at this page by accident or by design, first of all, thank you for showing up! And if you've read any of my posts, I send an even BIGGER Thank YOU.

For those who have read regularly since I started posting in January 2010, you will know, with the exception of a few rogue subjects discussed, my main topics seem to have become: Saving/Losing my Condo, My Health and LOVE. Jeez. I wonder what topics will be at the forefront this year.

Well, friends, onward to the updates.

HOUSE UPDATE
Once I finally gave in and gave up staying in my condo at all, in fact WANTED to leave in the end, and once I said, "OK God, I will go wherever you want me to go" things moved ahead at lightning speed. We received a fourth offer which the bank actually reviewed and then accepted. By happy circumstances, I was able to find a condo to rent IN MY COMPLEX – this unit is single story (my knees say thank you!), it is in a quiet part of the complex, it is bigger with a bigger back yard, I get to park closer to my home, the laundry is closer to me...I have a fireplace in my bedroom and we have two full bathrooms. We did not have to go through the terrible adjustment of moving to a totally unknown neighborhood. My girls' friends here can still see them any time. And it's all for an amazing price I can afford. Oh, and my landlady and I have mutual friends AND grew up three houses away from each other in the neighborhood where my parents still live, something we had no idea about until she went over my lease paperwork. Getting this place was definitely meant to be. I want to write in more detail about the amazing serendipity that occurred in making this condo our home, but will do so later.

I cannot fully express how happy I am to finally be out from under the Bank of America mortgage nightmare. I have been having fun making the place my own (our own...the girls love our new place), tossing away old unnecessary junk that I had held onto for so long and STARTING OVER.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU Universe/God. Cannot say it enough. I am so wonderfully happy and content.

HEALTH UPDATE
Aw, well, the back is still iffy, but, as you may know if you read back a few blogs, I started Weight Watchers in August. I set a goal weight of 30 pounds loss and felt it was an impossible goal. But I found out from working the program the way they tell you to, I steadily lost weight. In fact, I have had to set a new goal weight since I exceeded my goal by 5.5 pounds. I love how I feel, how I look, and how I eat. My kids have benefited from the lifestyle change with the way we eat and, again, I cannot fully express how amazingly happy I am that I have lost 4 dress sizes. I don't have to beat myself up at the gym, and I listen to my body and don't freak out if I have to ease up on my work out because my back is acting up.

LOVE UPDATE
No update. WHAT??? Shocking, I know. Even more shocking (in a sarcastic voice...) I am still flippin' processing feelings I have written about in my previous posts over the last couple years. The guy I was dating who deployed 5 months into our relationship...well...we are friends. Too many issues before (and after) deployment made attempts to maintain a romantic relationship difficult.  Enough said on love. Let's just say this hopeless romantic is forever hopeful. But more than that,  I am grateful that I have been given the opportunity to grow and flourish in so many areas of my life and to come to a place of inner happiness and peace. God has carried me through so much in my life – so I turn this subject over to Him and will see what his plan brings.

Overall if things keep going along the way they have been in January alone, 2013 may be a lucky year indeed.