Monday, September 16, 2013

Mid September Night's-Mare

It is mid-September. In large parts of the United States – and perhaps even the World! *waggly eyebrows* –  that means lower temperatures are comin' 'round the corner. Sweaters are getting unpacked from vacuum-sealed bags under the bed. Boots are getting dusted off. Mittens are being dug out from some corner of some drawer. Fluffy soft socks are coming out of hibernation, stretching their soft, fluffy stretch to greet the cold morning.... mmmmmm.....

BUT NOT HERE IN CALIFORNIA!! (And/or Arizona, New Mexico, Nevada...yeah, yeah, I get it. But I was BORN and RAISED in Southern California...I didn't MOVE HERE...and now I'm shackled here til my kids are 18. The heat might be tolerable if the people would just move away... -_- )

Nope. Nope. Nosiree. Not here in California, Mid-September means that whatever you sit on that is anything other than absorbent terry-cloth and you're wearing shorts because it is legally required to do so when it is this darned hot, it is gonna make your butt sweat faster than a cat-burglar hiding out in a sauna. It means that you fervently pray that the hot (no pun intended) guy standing near you in the trendy restaurant doesn't see the sweat pooled on your chair when you get up to pull your clothes away from your body with a very not attractive slrrrrppppppfffffphhhhppp. 

Thank you photo guy who blinded himself taking a picture of the
blazing hot orb of death hovering in the sky just so I could purty up my blog.


http://img.www3.hp-ez.com/img/hanamigawa/blog_20130113-180547.jpg
It means the Super Econo Family size jar of 100+ SPF sunscreen (you think I joke?? It's in the driver side door pocket. It's got a pump top. I constantly slather my left arm and face when I drive.) needs to be refilled. It might be cheaper to spread mayo all over. 

It means running your air-conditioner at 7 p.m. because it's still 5 hundred million trillion degrees out. Orrrrrrr, 95°.

It means if you are at home watching football (and football fans in the bleachers wearing raingear or poufy vests), you might just be sitting in your underwear with your feet perched on top of an ice-block. Please to not be double dipping your, uh, chips in the...dip...

It means tossing and turning in the middle of the night because it's either 1) sweat out the mid-night nightmare or 2) face a $400 electric bill.

I was totally over all the above-mentioned crap about 2 months ago. 

I.

Loathe.

Heat.

Especially heat that just won't budge. Cmon world weather!! Stop with the shenanigans!! Get back to normal! Mother Nature, quit being hormonal already!! It's September and that means football season and it should mean the afore-mentioned sweaters, boots, mittens are out and ready to do their jobs!!

*sad face*

By the way, who are these people who run in 100°+ sun? Just watching them run makes me nauseous. For God's sake, WHO ARE THESE CREATURES OF THE HEAT??? Erp. I know I wrote about this very thing years ago. It still stupefies me to this day. They are evil. And from another planet. I'm sure of it.
Damn I am psychic or something.

http://extras.mnginteractive.com/live/media/site45/2013/0703/20130703__07LMLO2w~1_500.jpg

Maybe in another time...another place...another land far, far away....maybe there the leaves are turning vibrant hues of yellow, orange and red. *Sigh*. Ours are just turning brown from too much bleedin' sun.
Because I wasn't content with JUST a picture of turning leaves. No.
I have to shove a cottage, a river, a bridge and a country dog down your throat.


http://sun-surfer.com/photos/2013/05/Autumn-in-Wales-United-Kingdom.jpg

Look. I'm a redhead, freckle-faced, German/Swedish/Scots-Irish girl. I've said it before but it bears repeating: I'm genetically pre-disposed to damp, mildewy climes and this...this heat is not an "Indian Summer" it is just annoying. Time to move on, hotness. Kids are in school, there's no need for this beach weather any longer. PFFT. 

Someday I'm moving to a small town in upstate New York, or Maine or Vermont. Then I will be more than happy to blog about how the locals think I'm a crazy witch and don't trust me because I'm from California and that one winter is it for me, I don't understand frozen pipes and exploding septic tanks and chopping 5 million logs and canning fruit in the summer to survive the winter and that I really do, in the end, MISS THE HOT. Erg. 

Even the deer seem to be saying, "WTF?? Turn back! GO BACK! Take us with you
by all that is holy...pleeeeeeeease...... We have shorts!" 


http://huntkso.com/images/snowdeer/SnowDeer.jpg
Tsk. Always with the "greener grass," right??

2 comments:

  1. Reading this while about to look out the winter jacket because autumn has truly arrived in south-west Scotland.

    Tell you what Kris, how about we swap places? You come here till April and I'll come over there?

    ReplyDelete
  2. T, I know...I live in an extreme and so do you. :( I want, someday, to live somewhere with true 4 seasons. Too much heat, too much cold, too much rain, too much day or too much night is...well...too much.

    ReplyDelete

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