Sunday, December 8, 2013

She Went Thataway

And here we are again...I had so many rich experiences in the first half of the year and now it has slowed and quieted to a mellow thrum. No drama, no chaos, no adventure...just being.

Just being can sometimes be anathema to a writer. My mind is so muted at this time I'm having a difficult time expressing myself so here I am, feeling the need to write but about what? And, as always, as I write I start thinking of things so if this starts going off into a direction I guess I'll follow the path.

Actually, this inability to find focus and passion hasn't cropped up suddenly...it has been awhile in the making. But only yesterday on Facebook I was going through my news feed and saw a photo that resonated with me so I "liked" and "shared" it. It was a photo of two soldiers and the text on it said something to the affect of soldiers put their lives on the line for less than minimum wage and yet fast food workers want double the amount to slap a patty on a bun. Of course, a couple friends who are experienced in military life and who are also fairly liberal and very educated jumped on it (kindly I must say). One thing I didn't realize when I posted that photo is that it originally came from Sarah Palin.

Ouch.

Ugh.

I HATE politics. I don't post political stuff, I don't want to argue with anyone, I believe everyone has a right to their beliefs and I appreciate the passion that people have one side or another. I labored awhile over various responses to both of my friends trying not to sound like an uninformed, wishy-washy, mindless buffoon.

I ended up deleting the post altogether.

Then I realized that I didn't answer...COULDN'T answer...because as much as I still felt the intention of the photo resonated with me (cmon...teenagers working after school making $15 an hour??? And YES I KNOW NOT JUST TEENAGERS WORK IN FAST FOOD! I GET IT!!! And this is why I didn't post a response...hmmmm.) I just didn't have enough information to support my view. I felt grossly uneducated and uninformed in my efforts to post a response. I just didn't want to argue or debate.

All that wishy-washiness is why I didn't vote in the last presidential election. I have voted in election years as far back as I can remember since I was legal to do so. And yet, last go round I liked NO ONE and didn't have the information I felt necessary (i.e. I was too wrapped up in my personal drama and chaos at the time to sit down and focus on anything else) to make informed decisions so I didn't decide at all.

That still bugs me. What also bugs me is that I still have only a slight idea of what political road I follow. I'm not right-wing but I'm not left-wing either. I don't believe in anarchy but I want the government to stop watching me.

WTF??

So, as any person with access to the internet would do, I googled "what's my political party test" (or something like that). I just picked one and about halfway through realized, "hmmmmm, interesting, is the government going to be sending special friends to knock on my door? Who will have this information? Would a plea that some of the questions effing confused me be a good defense against...what kind of charge?? The crime of trying to find out what my personal opinions are?? I guess that thought right there is the first clue that I'm not in the upper right corner of the socio-economic political cube.

I just answered from the heart...which is where most of my writing and any of my expressiveness comes from, also realizing, like in any test, some questions are repeated throughout with different wording. As it ends up I actually wasn't much surprised that I am slightly left and down in the quadrant, hovering around the same positioning as Alexis Tsipras, Francois Hollande, the Dalai Lama and Nelson Mandela. I like them as neighbors. *waves hello.

This is a good clue of where I stand politically but the truth remains that I still have no oomph or energy or fiery passion to sit down and argue with anyone one way or the other about things. Part of it is that I just don't feel like I'm on the up and up with the political news and I don't really care too much to be. Yet I miss having passion about something...anything.

All of this is about WAY more than just politics. There is a sense of lacking direction at this point in my life and as best as I can describe how it feels is this: I'm not at a crossroads, but at the center of many, many paths spiking away in every direction and all the road signs are pointing back at me.

Which means I have to go within to define myself. Once I get that handled the outward path to take will illuminate before me. The garbled directions will become clear. Sense of self will be that passion I now seek. I won't have to stand down or stand up to anyone, but stand calmly in my beliefs. Passion does not equal drama.

Til then I'll just allow the middle (center) to be my home and try not to be apologetic about it.

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